BULGARIA: 'Let Me Cry' performed by MARIANA POPOVA
"WILL Bruce ever leave me alone? I have just sat down to give my opinions on this competition when I can see him, wearing a dress, standing behind this rather wailing woman and obviously trying to attract my attention. Well, I shall let him cry, as the song suggests, as I could never consider a reconciliation with a man who does not know when his dress is unflattering. Returning to the song, Ms Popova is clearly performing the gusset out of this tune, but it does not move me in the right places. It is every woman' right to cry. A fact I demonstrate on a regular basis in Rodeo Drive when I am not allowed a free pair of designer shoes, with matching handbag. And Ferrari." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10
"WASN'T Ms Popova in Rentaghost? That celebration of the occult fair scared the pants off me as a child and my mum had to stop me watching it in the end. I see that Ms Popov has not ignored her supernatural and has dug a gruesome creature up from the grave to perform backing vocals.Although I admire this desperate gesture to make the song more interesting, I am afraid it has not worked. In fact, I'm getting a bit scared, I don't mind telling you. Can we move on?" LEMMY GIVES IT: 2/10

SLOVENIA: 'Mr Nobody' performed by ANZEJ DEZAN
"IS HE a librarian? I'm not sure I should be associating myself with squares, as I have an ice-cool reputation to uphold, but I shall put that to one side for now. I approve of the piano-thumping melody, but I am not sure of the lyrics. "Tell me, who's that lucky hero?" I think this boy needs to go out and get drunk a bit more. Or come round to my house while Ashton is at venture scouts, I'll show him a thing or two." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10
"THIS is reminiscent of Takes 2 to Tango from the 2004 semi-final, which didn't progress either. It's a real shame, as this is a crowd-pleasing stomper with groundbreaking choreography. If it was performed a bit later on, I really think it would have done better. I also appluad Anzej's innovative decision to write a song about an unknown Mr Man. My favourite was always Mr Messy, as I was a bit of a mucky pup as a youngster. Gracious, the lads are always telling me off for leaving my scented notepaper and doilies around the tour bus. But we laugh about it at the end." LEMMY GIVES IT: 9/10

ANDORRA: 'Sense Tu' performed by JENNY
"SOMETHING appears to be wrong with this woman and I can't quite put my delicate, sensitive finger on it. It certainly isn't something I have seen very often, or have suffered from myself. Let me think about it while I listen to this song, which isn't altogether unpleasant, although I would never have chairs like that in my kitchen. Jenny must be having problems with her remote-controlled garage door, how I can empathise, as she keeps singing about 'sensor two' quite a lot. Right, I've looked in my dictionary and I have finally found out what is up with Jenny. It's nothing I've ever seen on the celebrity circuit, but it seems she is 'fat'. 'Fat'? I have never heard of the word and I thank God we clearly have the vaccine for it in Hollywood." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10
"IT IS admirable that Jenny is so convinced she will not progress to the final proper that she is using her three minutes on stage as a trial for the Pan-European musical chairs championships. This is a very sweet little song and I am so moved I may offer Jenny a stint on one of our forthcoming Motorhead tours to make up for her disappointment in not reaching the final. We need some help in the catering van." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10

BELARUS: 'Mama' performed by POLINA SMOLOVA
"WHAT an annoying woman. Is she one of Charmed? Anyone who wants to jump around like that in such a hyperactive fashion is only going one way - the Disney Channel. I certainly wouldn't do it, and what is more, I would never sing 'Mama', the correct form of address is 'Mother', and Miss Smolova should have sung accordingly. If I were to sing about my own mother on live television in such a raucous pop tune, she would never to speak to me again, and what's more, I would need to find a new babysitter for Ashton." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10.
"I GET the feeling Polina is trying to give this song a Michael Jackosn vibe, especially in the change of mood towards the close of the song. I liked her entrance, though, and I may consider something similar for the Totting Bec Rock and Folk Night, which we are booked for next week. I will have to be careful, though, as it is in the back room of the pub and I don't want to knock anyone in the front three rows unconscious." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10

ALBANIA: 'Zjarr E Ftohte' performed by LUIZ EJLLI
"WHERE is Albania? Is it next to Alabama? If so, I congratulate the pastor of the local church for putting words and music to one of their religious ceremonies and entering it into this competition. I think they could have made this more striking by having a large, gold-framed picture of me on stage, surrounded by candles. Throughout the song, the singer would offer gifts to my image in honour of my talent and beauty. The people phoning in to vote would have been so moved by this gesture, that it would have swept through to the final, presuming they could see clearly through their tears to dial the necessary number." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10.
"THANK goodness the Albanians managed to tune the radio in in time to find the backing track for their entry. This is a very moody piece, and it appears to be a celebration of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves. I cannot really approve of criminals being celebrated in this way. Just last week, somebody broke into my back garden and wrote offensive messages on the hats of all my garden gnomes. I am loathe to repeat such profanities here, but I will never watch Countdown in the same way ever again." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10.

BELGIUM: 'Je T'Adore' performed by KATE RYAN
"I HAVE been in clubs like this in America, people pay to be electrocuted with strip lighting as it gives them some kind of thrill. The only sort of thrill I need is a glance at my perfect curves in the bathroom mirror whenever I slip out of the shower. Despite this obvious perversion, this is a very good pop song, and one I can imagine my husband Ashton rushing down to the record store on his Chopper to buy. Is this Franch, the title? Is this song about ice cream?. DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10
"WHAT a smashing pop song! This is just the sort of thing I can picture teenagers dancing to at a disco in their local church hall, with a strict no-alcohol policy, of course. I do hope that someone will teach me the dance routine at some point in the near future. I may employ it at a future Motorhead gig, and I'm sure the audience will soon be joining in. Perhaps even adding their own moves, such as flicking one finger in the air at me, which I noticed once when I stopped the music momentarily to deliver a brief talk about crocheting, with slides. LEMMY GIVES IT: 9/10.

CYPRUS: 'Why Angels Cry' performed by ANNET ARTANI
"I'LL tell you why angels cry. These creatures are dead, and as such, cannot spend anytime on earth, watching my back catalogue of movies on DVD and marvelling at the effortless way I capture the spirit of the scriptwriting and hold the camera with my delicate good looks. I know I would cry if I couldn't do that. This song is being delivered with far too much power and, as such, it is taking something away from it. Annet should learn that less is more, by appearing less at the Eurovision Song Contest, so that we can enjoy it more." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10
"YOU go for it girl! I wish I could have been a backing singer on this one. I would have worn long white evening gloves and given the job my all, belting out those big notes with gusto. This is a surprisingly Transatlantic sound for a Eurovision entry, and especially from Cyprus, which always seems keen to indicate its Mediterranean roots with its song. This may explain why it did not do so well, as well as the fact that it's a bit rubbish and didn't get enough votes from the viewers." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10

MONACO: 'La Coco-Dance' performed by SEVERINE FERRER
"COCONUTS which grow in Monaco had better be made of solid gold and stuffed with diamonds, or I won't be bothering with them. This Severine child must have been out picking such nuts in Monte Carlo all morning before cataching a plane to Greece, as she very obviously needs help from the strong men at the back of the stage to hold her up. I find the Caribbean beat to this song infectious, but then, so is chlamydia, and I certainly wouldn't give that ten out of ten." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10
"GIVE me a grass skirt, 'cos I feel like I'm in Hawaii. This is a very charming number, although I am slightly concerned for Severine's singing capability. Then again, I can imagine the Athens Olympic Hall is bigger than Monaco itself, so she won't be used to performing for such a big crowd. I feel so sorry for Severine, and I will visit her personally to console her, naked to the waist, just like one of her dancers, with half a coconut in my hand and a flower in my hair. I am sure this will cheer her up." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10

POLAND: 'Follow My Heart' performed by ICH TROJE
"THIS is just like a party I once held at my very expensive house in America. Ashton was sent upstairs with his Playstation and Lego, while I had my very own masquerade ball. It was a marvellous night. Jennifer Aniston came as the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters and Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin dressed as Roy and Hayley from Coronation Street. What's more, there was a man with green hair there, staring at any women who were pregnant, making it even more like this performance. And like Ich Troje, we had a rapper out in the garden, who we refused to allow in the house." DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10
"I'D CERTAINLY never heard 'rap music' before this performance. Goodness, this it what it must be like in the Bronx. I did feel like one of the 'cool kids' while watching this. I believe the Polich group also copied the street clothes of youngsters who live in the New York 'hoods. Next time I am visiting, I must remember to look just like one of the natives and wear my regency ballgown, while carrying a masque on a pole, so I do not look out of place. I will dye my hair green, too." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10

NETHERLANDS: 'Amambanda' performed by TREBLE
"A WHAT? Who are these girls? Are they on a work release programme? The language they are singing in makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, so I can only assume they come from Texas. I think they are having a rant about their dad not buying them a new sweater or something, I really can't work it out. Perhaps these young ladies should have stayed at home this evening and read a book instead, preferably one of the many authorised biographies about my career, and learned some proper words to put into a song." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10
"I AM sure Treble are singing about man bags. I have one, as I find them absolutley invaluable. They're great for having a lip-salve handy, or even some paper clips or a safety pin. You'd be surprised what a rock band needs when it's on the road! Therefore, I am fully behind the message of this song, which celebrates accessories that are both good-looking and practical. I cannot decipher all the lyrics, but here and there I could pick out 'rucksack', 'suitcase' and 'fanny-pack'. Just beautiful." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

PORTUGAL: 'Coisas De Nada' performed by NONSTOP
"DID Jodie Foster design these outfits? They have her mark all over them. What a horrendous cacaophony. It reminds me of the time a group of famous people were invited around to Celine Dion's house for a candlelight supper, and she gathered us around the piano for a recital of experimental jazz with backing vocals from Angela Lansbury off Murder She Wrote. It was a truly awful experience and I found myself in therapy for months afterwards. If Celine Dion comes anywhewre near my property now, my security team is under strict instructions to shoot her." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10.
"NOW, I want to help anyone who is trying to make it big in this business we call the music, err, business, but this is absolutely terrible. Such a dated sound, and whoever dressed these girls was clearly from a rival delegation. I am reminded of the occasion I was invited to a party at Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden's house, and in an effort to appear 'cool' and 'with it', I bought a brand new shell suit from the local market and a copy of Robson and Jerome's latest album, which was atop the album charts at the time. I was at the party three minutes before Bruce set his dogs on me." LEMMY GIVES IT: 1/10.

ESTONIA: 'Through My Window' performed by SANDRA OXENRYD
"UGLY girls in my High School used to apply Oxenryd to their acne. I had no such need, as my skin was flawless from birth. Why is Sandra looking through her own window? Has she locked herself out? She looks stupid enough to do so, as anyone who would go out in public in that outift cannot be fully in charge of their own mind. I hope that when Sandra leaves the stage, her carers give her a warm drink and then whisk her away from the building with a blanket over her head. Silly girl." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10.
"YOU'RE SO hot, teasing me... Yes, that's right, I'm having a bit of a play by putting the lyrics of Does Your Mother Know to this tune, as there are definite similarities. This look and sound wasn't the best idea the Estonoans could have had to take them through to the final. In fact, you could say their hopes are going through the window... Oh, I made a joke, don't get me laughing, I'm such a giggler... Seriously, though, even I wouldn't entertain an outfit like that on stage." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10.

ICELAND: 'Congratulations Iceland' performed by SILVIA NIGHT
"SILVIA is without the doubt the classiest, most gracious performer I have ever seen in this competition. I applaud her choice to sing about herself, as it is important for talented people, like me, to share our considerable gifts with everyone we meet. Anyone who misses out on learning how marvellous I am whenever I meet them is, quite frankly, a figure of neglect. It is disgraceful that the audience are not showing more gratitude for this woman's generosity. Does anyone have her number? I must invite her round to my house." DEMI GIVES IT: 11/10.
"WHAT a very rude young woman. She is far too bombastic for my liking, and is showing disrespect to others, which is never right. Also, it is very vulgar to show off about one's wealth. Just because Silvia is rich enought to have a golden shower in her house, there is no need to have one right in our face. If this is the way people behave in Iceland, then I'm going to Bejam's for my fish fingers in future. Disgraceful." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10.

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