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|E DEPOIS DE ADEUS (song) Portuguese entry, Brighton 1974: =14th/last place (3 pts)|
|You don't need the
likes of me to tell you that the playing of the 1974 Portuguese
entry was a signal for military action to begin.
You also don't need the likes of me to tell you that the playing of the 1974 Portuguese entry was not a signal for the international juries to vote for it.
|EAMON (performer) Irish entry, Stockholm 2000: 6th place (92 pts)|
|Spurred on by the
film Demolition Man, where a cryogenically preserved
policeman is thawed out in the distant future to bring 20th
Century morals to a dysfunctional utopia, RTE made a momentous
decision when they realised that Jonathan King had succeeded in
making major changes to the ESC.
In 1985, they had stored a highly fashionable singer of anthemic ballads (called Eamon Toal) in Eimear Quinn's freezer, in case his services should ever be required at the Eurovision.
With The Mullans doing so disastrously in 1999, they realised it was time to bring their secret weapon into play. Eamon was defrosted five minutes before he was due on stage in Stockholm, and so was unable to change either his hairstyle, clothes, or style of song. This was fine, because RTE also defrosted several thousand televoters from 1985 (which they had in storage throughout Europe) just in time to catch his performance.
|EDDIE (singer) Israeli entry, Athens 2006: 23rd place (4 pts)|
|Once upon a time, there was this boy called Eddie,|
He was kinda fly, and he was an Iz-relli
But so weren't the voters who watched this fool
And poor little Eddie, he looked just like a tool.
He didn't win, he was pissed...
|EDEA (group) Finnish entry, Birmingham 1998: 15th place (22 pts)|
determined that in any encyclopaedia ever compiled about the ESC,
the title of their song (Aava) would be the first entry.
Unfortunately, in here, you either get listed by performer or
song, and NOT both, so sorry gang...
Aah, but we
digress. This was a fine song, all ethnic instruments and Kate
Bush dancing. The lead singer of Edea is now infamous for
succumbing to poor health during Eurovision Week in Birmingham,
which affected her performance, and Finland's first real crack at
victory. Apparently, she had the runes.
|EDEN (group) Israeli entry, Jerusalem 1999: 5th place (93 pts)|
|This was the group who broke the three-year run of host countries coming second when they sang their tiny wee hearts out in Jerusalem in 1999. Just before they went on stage, the Israeli Broadcasting Authority tipped a large jar of ants down the pants of each member, and they spent the whole performance trying to turn the art of itching into a complex piece of choreography. They succeeded of course, and the Poles thought it was brilliant.|
|EDYTA (performer) Polish entry, Dublin 1994: 2nd place (166 pts)|
|Edyta Gorniak very
nearly polish-ed off (oh, hush my mouth...) the opposition as
Poland's debutante entry at Eurovision 1994.
There is a downside to all this of course, as her song: To Ne Ja! went on to become the Eurotune guaranteed to most get yer average fan's knickers in a twist (this later become known as the 'Dinle Factor'), because it's a bit dramatic and she shrieks a lot when she's singing it.
Ms Gorniak has, of course, capitalised on her near-success. In late December each year you will find her on Warsaw Pier playing the lead role in 'Kirk Douglas and the Seven Dwarfs.'
Interestingly enough, in 2001, the Labour Party adopted her entry for the General Election, modifying the title slightly to To Ne Blair!
|EEN BEETJE (song) Dutch entry, Cannes 1959: 1st place (21 pts)|
later, this could have been called 'Just Een Little Beetje',
but in 1959, you could still win Eurovision with a song called 'A
Christ knows why
it won, like, because it's a pile of shite.
|EEN SPEELDOOS (song) Dutch entry, London 1963: =13th/last place (0 pts)|
|Four years after
the 1963 Dutch entry about toys had scored nothing, a song about
dolls and another about a puppet would take the Eurovision title,
separated by one about merciful cherries, but you can't have
Annie Palmen was the poor soul who was humiliated for indicating a lovely music box on a table in front of her as she warbled Een Speeldoos in the glamorous surrounds of BBC Television Centre.
She later took revenge by stuffing said box in her bra and swapping it for a Beatles wig at Camden Market the next day, as well as never entering Eurovision ever again. Never ever. Ever.
|EIGHTIES COMING BACK (song) Estonian entry, Riga 2003: 21st place (14 pts)|
|If only he'd worn
an I Shot J.R. T-shirt, but anyway.
Martin Fowler once again proved how much he can wrap his gullible mother around his devious digits by claiming he was "just popping down the Minute Mart for some Shreddies" when he was actually going to Riga to lead the Estonian entry in the 2003 Eurovision Song Contest.
Thankfully, the stupid one from Dad's Army covered for him and distracted Pauline by getting her to do a really big jigsaw with him. Martin gave him some apples from the stall the next day as a thank you. Ones off the floor like, not the best ones.
|EIN DAVAR (song) Israeli entry, Copenhagen 2001: 16th place (25 pts)|
like Donny Osmond, Tal Sondak brought the 'Is it an Israeli one?
Oh, get away...' ditty Ein Davar to the only three
people in the Parken who were actually interested in hearing the
Now infamous for having Huffty from The Word in his backing group, Tal was a bit miffed on the night that his backing singers wouldn't let him join in their game of ring-a-ring-a-roses onstage (see HORA if you feel like enjoying that joke again).
He got his own back in the green room though. When it became obvious that the Israelites were going to be left out in the desert again, Tal took it upon himself to use the folically challenged female's bonce to work out all the difficult clues from that morning's Times crossword.
|EIN HOCH DER LIEBE (group) German entry, London 1968: 6th place (11 pts)|
|Sahlene wasn't the
first Swede to debunk over the border for Eurovision purposes.
Wencke Myhre did it 34 years earlier when she strode down the Albert Hall catwalk in an impossibly yellow outfit to sing the uber-chirpy Ein Hoch Der Liebe for meine damen und herren in 1968.
She actually finished a respectable sixth (the British jury gave it five of their ten votes) thanks to a whimsical performance and utilising the method of mentioning love in various tongues; a trick four Scouse moptops had optimised only the previous year to top the UK charts.
The Swedes weren't impressed. Despite their own entry (see CLAES-GORAN) finishing one place higher than Wencke they refused to allow her back into the country unless she agreed to provide a DNA sample, from which the members of Family Four were slowly grown in big flower pots over a three-year period.
|EIN LIED KANN EINE BRUCKE SEIN (song) German entry, Stockholm 1975: 17th place (15 pts)|
|In 1975, Bea Smith
escaped from Prisoner:
Cellblock H and headed for Germany. In a desperate attempt to
remain undercover she agreed to represent the nation in a high-profile
song contest with a worldwide TV audience of over 500 million (including
She sang under the nomenclature of 'Joy Fleming' and her song, translated as A Song Can Build A Bridge, was a superb pseudo-Motown number which got a big cheer from the Stockholm crowd. Unfortunately, 1975 is renowned as the year in which the bulk of the juries were made up of members of Interpol, who did their utmost to ensure 'Joy' didn't get the score she deserved, and made sure she was repatriated to Wentworth as soon as the voting was over.
You see kids, crime doesn't pay...
|EITT LAG ENN (song) Icelandic entry, Zagreb 1990: 4th place (124 pts)|
|1990 was the
European Year of Tourism, a fact the Yugoslav hosts of that
year's ESC were keen to promote. Iceland were equally mustard to
do so, so they employed Stjornin, a bonnie wee Icelandic act, to
pen a ditty that sounded exactly like something from a Redcoat
Summer Spectacular in an effort to convince their fellow
Europeans that Butlins Reykjavik was the place to head for that
Stjornin finished fourth, but Iceland's tourist industry didn't go boom. Butlins Reykjavik was later closed down, due to the fact that their outdoor pool 'mysteriously' became an ice rink, and all the entrants in both their 'Knobbly Knees' and 'Miss Butlin's Swimwear Queen' competitions contracted hyperthermia.
|EL (song) Spanish entry, Harrogate 1982: 10th place (52 pts)|
|Lucia should be
applauded for making the most of the microscopic stage in
Harrogate, even managing to have a fancy pair doing the flamenco
behind her as she sang.
How they never knocked her off remains a miracle, but then again, it's also a mystery why the Spanish public chose this song to represent them.
Eurovision can be El at times.
|ELA ELA (song) Cypriot entry, Kiev 2005: 18th place (46 pts)|
|The Cypriot entry of 2005.|
There was a bloke in a vest. And people waving canes about. I think.
|EMMA (cantores) British entry, Zagreb 1990: 6th place (87 pts)|
|The youngest Brit
entrant ever intended to sing her 1990 entry in her native Welsh.
The BBC were forced to step in however, as 'Give A Little Love Back to the World, see.' just didn't scan.
|EN LILLE MELODI (song) Danish entry, Brussels 1987: =5th place (83 pts)|
Herdorf was described as "an artist from head to toe"
by Viktor Laszlo before singing for Denamrk in 1987.
This must have come as a blessed relief - having a top half more suited to plumbing does not bode well for entrants in the Eurovision Song Contest (see JEMINI).
Even though Terry didn't like her frock, Ann spurred her band Bandjo to a rather half-hearted performance of what literally translates as A Little Song, mind you, good performances were a bit difficult to pull off in the out-of-town hypermarket the 1987 contest appeared to be staged in.
Ann finished fifth, suffering from singing just before eventual winner Johnny Logan, but she didn't mind.
No usual punchline there, she just didn't mind.
|ENERGY (song) Slovene entry, Copenhagen 2001: 7th place (70 pts)|
|Nusa Durenda is
not only an expert on the national grid, she's also quite good at
belting out the odd hi-NrG dance choon if she sees fit.
A big favourite with many before the voting started, Energy is/was a definite highlight of the rather mediocre 2001 contest, but it does reveal the problem singers have if they're stuck out on a particularly vast stage during a particularly vast musical break.
Nusa was not to be defeated though. She got two of her fellow motorbike mechanics to appear out of the wings, lift her up for a bit, and then, well, just throw themselves all over the stage until the song finished.
Estonia - be humble in victory, be extremely humble.
|ENI (group) Croatian entry, Dublin 1997: 17th place (24 pts)|
|Following a strict
regime of Spice supplements, these four girls were finally
declared match-fit to invade the dramatic ballad-fest of a
national final that is the Dora. Trouncing all who came before
them, they were then determined to take Probudi Mi to
ESC '97 and win for their Croatian homeland. However, a clerical
error at the chemists meant that, immediately after the Dora, all
Spice supplements were mysteriously diverted to FYROM (to an
address marked 'XXL').
Without these performance enhancing substances, ENI's effervescent perkiness drooped somewhat by May 3, and it didn't help going on just before Katrina & Co either. They were so distraught at their failure that they refused to go to the after show party, choosing instead to hang round a nearby set of swings with a bottle of White Lightning cider to pass about between them.
|ENVIE DE VIVRE (song) Belgian entry, Stockholm 2000: 24th/last place (2 pts)|
entry for 2000.
Look! It can easily be the soundtrack to a car advert (you know the type: lots of skidding about treacherous corners on mountain roads), but look again! It can also be a slightly God-bothering entry to a pan-continental music festival.
And that's not all! Ship it over to Ireland and it could very easily become Stephen Gateley's new single. Which he'd sing through his nose. Again.
|ESMER YARIM (song) Turkish entry, Millstreet 1993: 21st place (10 pts)|
|Make the most of this intro, as
you'll never come across one quite like it in the rest of this
encyclopaedia: A Turkish song which sounds just like Movin'
On Up by Primal Scream?
Well, yes. The 1993 Istanbul hopeful (which some cheeky soul told me sounds a bit like "I'll smell your rim..." Tsk), does contain moments whish seem blatantly pinched from the first track of Screamadelica.
This is most unusual for a nation which usually sends the musical equivalent of harem-fodder, but the subsequent relegation Esmer Yarim suffered made Turkish TV think twice about sending a re-worked version of Smack My Bitch Up to the 1995 contest.
|ESTONIA (nation) First entry: Dublin 1994. 1 0 1|
|The country which
Monica Aspelund could have sung about for Finland in '77 (it fits
the tune, anyway) is a vast Scando/East European cattle ranch
patrolled by 17 year old sirens in olive green on horseback.
They search the plains for anything untoward, ie. pyromaniacs with a fixation about the '83 Turkish entry, violinists covered in cobwebs, and (of course) the victims of Maarja-Liis Ilus's forked tongue.
|EUROCAT (pathetic fallacy)|
|Since Dutch TV
introduced the now-statutory 'postcards' between the songs in
1970, each subsequent broadcaster has tried to better the bit-between-the-singers.
The most innovative, of course, occurred in London '77, when the
BBC flew to auditoria in the 17 other participating countries and
filmed sections of the audience in each one.
However, this is where we come to praise the most sophisticated piece of Eastern European animation since Belle & Sebastian: Eurocat. This purple feline popped up with annoying regularity throughout Zagreb '90, and he went on to greater things (unlike most ESC-related personalities) by appearing as an extra in both Pokemon: The Movie and Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson.
|EUROPE'S LIVING A CELEBRATION (song) Spanish entry, Tallinn 2002: 7th place (81 pts)|
|On the day three
kings arrived in a Jerusalem stable to present gifts of gold,
frankincense and myrrh to a new-born messiah, Spanish television
began the competition to find their entrant for the 2002
Eurovision Song Contest.
When the inexorable Big Idol/Pop Brother competition/purgatory-by-media Operacion Triunfo came to an end, unknown farm hand Rosa was selected to work her bellows to the utmost on behalf of her nation with the oddly titled (and pronounced) Europe's Living A Celebration.
So confident were TVE of a resounding triunfo, they even filled a stadium in Granada with cheering Spaniards to roar the girl through every last jury on the scoreboard.
Of course, Rosa finished seventh in the end, but she should have got the golden mike for all the work she put in.
And Operacion Triunfo continues to rumble on. Already, more titles are on the drawing board, tentatively titled: Riga's Risking A Liquidation; You Can't Give Us A Relegation; and of course, Rosa's Living An Eternal Stigma.
|EVELIN (performer) Estonian entry, Jerusalem 1999: 6th place (90 pts)|
|When her jingle
for advertising the oldest alcopop known to man (Diamond of White)
was rejected by Tallinn's premier brewery, Evelin Samuel did not
give up hope.
She simply changed one word in the title (for copyright reasons) and took it all the way to 6th place in the 1999 ESC. She changed the closing line as well, from: "Now I can say you're my (hic) besht mate, and I really, really love ya..." to the one we all now remember and cherish.
|EVEN IF (song) British entry, Belgrade 2008: 25th/last place (14 pts)|
Andy Abraham have four A's in his name? Because if he didn't he'd be Ndy Brhm.|
Right, that joke works far better when it's about Edward Woodward, so let's move on to the UK's luckless entrant of 2008.
Just as Javine had a decent track in 2005, Old Andy was somewhat scuppered by having the number two draw and a tight-fisted BBc dyeing one of Sir David Attenborough's old safari suits blue for the X-Factor runner-upperer to wear onstage.
Still, there's no need to worry. Andy has put his Eurovision disappointment behind him and cashed in on his name by opening a shop which only sells bras and ham.
Alla Pugacheva is always popping in.
|EVERY WAY THAT I CAN (song) Turkish entry, Riga 2003: 1st place (167 pts)|
|By 2003, Fifty per cent of
ESC winners in the 21st Century had begun with "Every",
but just drag me kicking and screaming out of this anorak.
Turkey's only human maypole, Sertab Erener performed the impossible on May 24, 2003 by breaking the 47-year double-hoodoo of the fourth song on stage never winning and Turks never sitting at the top of the scoreboard come the end of the night.
A well-deserved victory which no doubt boosted the sales of velcro-fastened girdles the continent over, first place at Eurovision came as a blessed relief to the incredibly small singer.
Speaking at the
winner's press conference the following day, her first words were:
"At f*ck$ng last! Now I won't just be famous for my first
name being an anagram of 'breast'."
|EVERYBODY (song) Estonian entry, Copenhagen 2001: 1st place (198 pts)|
|EVERYTHING (song) Greek entry, Athens 2006: 9th place (128 pts)|
|I can hear my face...breaking, was the response from Greece's premier singing star when she relaised her flaming of hot favourites was not going to run away with the 2006 Eurovision title.|
Anna, 86, was so convinced that Everything would triumph in Athens that she had had the stitches in her facelift specially strengthened for May 20, so they didn't pop if she got overexcited during the voting.
Unfortunately, when the ineveitable douze came her way from Nicosia, the relief did cause a few threads to ping out, which led to Mr Lordi making a quick trip across the Green Room to congratulate her on her new look, but explain that his band really didn't need an additional member at the moment.