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(K): from Kaelakee Haal to Kojo

KEY: Winner Runner-up Third-place Top 5 Debut Entry Host Entry Last Place Nul Points

KAELAKEE HAAL (song) Estonian entry, Oslo 1996: 5th place (94 pts)
Estonia's (premature) sure footing on the Eurovision whirlygig was assured with this fifth-placed 1996 entry, two years after their rather crappy start with a certain Ms Vrait and a song about the sea or something-or-other.

The pairing of Maarja (who's mentioned again a bit further down) and Ivo Linna is occasionally worrying, but then again, if Tanel Padar was once voted Estonia's sexiest man, one can't really blame Maarja for looking beyond her own generation for some good company.

Naughty-eared Anglophones can have a field day with Kaelakee Haal as Ivo very clearly states at one point: "My anus is hollow."

This is no doubt a great relief to him, as the consequences of having your chocolate runway in a completely solid state really doesn't bear thinking about.

Can anyone hear necklaces?

KALOMIRA (pipsqueak) Greek entry, Belgrade 2008: 3rd place (218 pts)
A voice which requires no helium to sound shriller, Kalomira was the American-based, wholesome as a box of Girl Scout cookies, singer who forgot all the tricks in the Eurovision book, so had to take it out on stage with her when she performed Secret Combination in the 2008 final.

The winner of the first semi-final, she was overtaken by Dima Bilan (who finished two places behind her at the same semi) as the votes came in, but still managed to maintain that really irritating facial expression throughout the entire scoring process.

Third place is now considered failure by the success-accustomed Greeks, so Kalomira was severely punished on her return to America by being forced to watch an endless loop of Hannah Montana and the High School Musical trilogy whilst locked in a dark cellar.

Kalomira is now "real sorry" for not winning.

KATHY (singer) British entry, Naples 1965: 2nd place (26 pts)
Kathy Kirby's 1965 UK entry was actually about a young lady she knew called Abbey Long, but no-one ever listened to her long enough for her to explain. This was the first Brit big-belter, and the only song that has (almost) cocked a snoop to the Curse of Number Two (see JINXES).

Kathy was disillusioned with the music industry after losing the ESC, and so became a multi-national vacuum-cleaner magnate instead. She can often be found in the Electrical Appliances section of department stores across the continent, singing 'You do the Shake & Vac and put the freshness back' to pensioners who have lost their way from the Berkertex Sensible Shoes section.

KATIE (presenter) Eurovision hostess, London 1960, London 1963, London 1968, Brighton 1974.

Strangely obsessed with her tale of how she walked on stage 'commando' whilst trying to dodge Portuguese snipers, Mlle Boyle is a Romany figure who can be found in numerous locales across the UK (providing it's either London or Brighton) with her large scoreboard on wheels, to which she has developed a perverse attachment.

Katie is famed for her catchphrase, "I loved all the winners, except that crap Spanish one," and now has a regular spot on Blackpool Pier, translating swearwords into four different languages for bored teenagers in exchange for sly drags on their bifters.

KATINKA (song) Dutch entry, Luxembourg 1962: =13th/last place (0 pts)
In 1996, the Dutch had Maxine and Frankly Criminal, but this is the biggest crime of them all.

It's 1962, it's Luxembourg, somebody has put padded quilt panels round the stage and the audience are strangely mute, but that is no excuse for this most perky of Dutch Are You Sure follow-ups to completely pass the juries by.

Performed by De Spelbrekers, the lads didn't make the most of their name by coming back to crack this particular hoo-doo in half, but that wasn't the last the world had heard of them. They spent 14 years in hiding, reconstructing all that was previously thought about acceptable hit records before re-emerging as De Secks Pistulls.

Everyone must remember how they gained thier revenge by collectively urinating on a copy of Un Premier Amour outside The Hague before signing their record contract.

KATRINA & THE WAVES (group) British entry, Dublin 1997: WINNER (227 pts)
Katrina was a BBC-formulated Cheryl Baker for the late Nineties with USP of being American.

She went on to front her own late-night near the knuckle Radio 2 show, where she interviews such controversial figures as that bloke from off of Ground Force who isn't Alan Titchmarsh, and Christopher Biggins.

As for the Waves, please spare them whatever coppers you may find on your person as you pass them on the streets of Haymarket.

KAYAHAN (singer) Turkish entry, Zagreb 1990: 18th place (21 pts)
The Turkish entry of 1990 featured a man on a stool playing a guitar.


KEELATUD MAA(song) Estonian entry, Dublin 1997: 8th place (82 pts)
"Well, it could be Tallinn next year..." were Terry Wogan's words when Maarja Liis-Luis cockily drew her microphone to her side and wore that look which only 'Daddy's Little Rich Girls Who Get Everything They Whinge For' can perfect at the end of of Keelatud Maa.

The video to this song looks as if it was shot in a multi-storey car park, but it was in fact filmed in Maarja's own private garage, purpose-built to hold all the cars her Dad bought her each time she dumped a boyfriend he didn't approve of.

The flying panes of glass weren't planned however. They are windscreens which Maarja flung about in a titty fit every time the director filmed her on her worst side. She demanded that these shots be kept in, or she wouldn't board the plane to Dublin.

KENNETH (singer) British entry, Luxembourg 1966: 9th place (8 pts)
Kenneth where's yer troosers? Considering he's the only UK entrant to have ever had the coveted last place in the draw (not that it did him much good, mind) it's not like he was in a rush to get his stage costume on.

However, let's not knock a man who's being true to his national roots on the Eurovision stage. One need look no further than Sheeba, 1981's Irish entrants, who proudly displayed the official uniform of Ireland's Association of Blind Fashion Designers when performing Horoscopes to prove that he wasn't the only one to do it.
Note: Following the contest, Kenneth McKellar's '66 entry was re-recorded slightly and released under the new title of 'A Man Without Pants'. And still no-one liked it.

KIRSTI (singer) Norwegian entry, Naples 1965: =13th place (1 pt); Vienna 1967: =14th place (2pts); Madrid 1969: 16th/last place (1pt)

Oj! Oj! Oj! Oj, poor little Kirsti. The Norwegian Miss was very unfairly treated throughout the late Sixties even though she took some very good songs to the competition.

This was especially true in 1969, when Norway must have been about the only country present in Madrid who didn't win.

To console ourselves, there is a line in that particular song which sounds (to Anglophone ears) like 'Don't you know I'm stoned off my tits, la, la, la, la,' - which may actually explain its eventual placing in last position.

KLOUN (song) Greek entry, Dublin 1988: 17th place (10 pts)
Now this one gets the prize for the w*nkiest ever presenter introduction to a Eurosong ever.

I'm too nauseous at the thought of getting the video out to check this one for word-for-word purposes, but it involved the non-moving head of Pat Kenny waffling on about enigmatic faces with smile or something.

Quite. And how poignant Pat's words seem when you consider the song which followed. A load of Greeks singing about a clown while a girl who went to an extra-fidgety school of mime comes on in Patrick Troughton's Doctor Who costume and pretends to turn them all into statues. Greece 1988, we salute you.

KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE (song) British entry, Amsterdam 1970: 2nd place (26 pts)
As far as I know, the only Eurovision song released on the Beatles' prestigious Apple label.

Right, I'll remove my anorak for the rest of the entry. Hairy Mopkin, the siren of the vallies who did her national vocal duty very nicely for the UK in 1970 spent the rest of her career chasing up this song's lyricist, because he never did tell her the rest of the joke. However, this is what it could have been:

LYRICIST: Knock Knock

MARY: Who's there?


MARY: A Done Up Who?

LYRICIST: I know! I can smell it from here...(tee-hee!)

Note: That's a very childish joke, and that's precisely why it makes me laugh so much.

KOIT (singer) Estonian entry, Birmingham 1998: =12th place (36 pts)
The title for Most Anonymous Person Ever to Perform at Eurovision must surely be between Estonia's 1998 representative and that Cypriot act who didn't show up ten years earlier.

Koit Toome and his piano still manage to be exceedingly more interesting than Gary Barlow (which isn't that difficult if you think about it). This is partly due to the fact he was in the Estonian equivalent of Take That, which split shortly before his solo Euro campaign gathered pace.

Named Koit Kat, the group first saw signs of cracking when the cocky, egotistical antithesis of Toome left the group eighteen months before the other four threw in the towel. This nemesis endured obscurity for four years, before resurfacing in 2001 to take the ESC title with some fella from Aruba.

KOJO (singer) Finnish entry, Harrogate 1982: 18th/last place (0 pts)
Bomm In! Kojo struts his stuff on the Electronic Beermat (actual dimensions) that was the Harrogate '82 stage in his lovely red leather suit.

Bomm In! Kojo gives a very good performance of a song that isn't as bad as people would have believe, with his backing group of Helsinki's premier Ska enthusiasts.

Nuku Pommin! Kojo smacks himself about the head during the chorus.

Boom-Boom! Kojo doesn't score any points. Oh, well.

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